I feel like it was last week that those stupid Justin Timberlake “it’s gunna be may” memes went viral.
I’m trying to take days and weeks and months one at a time. Baby steps. I’ve been creating new habits and doing things I’ve been wanting to. Now that I’m finally home for the summer, I’m excited for it.
I’m determined to become a different person by August. I love myself more than I ever have, but things need to change.
On May 12th, one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life straight up dropped dead that day. No reason or health complication at all except for the fact that life isn’t fair. I think it’s finally sunk in. All my life, people have been taking things from me and I’ve been looking for some sort of retribution… There is none nor will there be. Nobody owes you anything in this world; even when they do, they don’t. I’ve finally accepted that.
Too much has been happening lately. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it. It sucks. And I feel the changes; but like everything I’ve ever encountered, I won’t let it steal my light.
The darkness. My face.
The ugliest parts of myself.
All grotesquely hideous.
I love them.
Everyone. All fucking nuts.
I am crookedly demented.
It’s the best part about me.
My best friend.
Each quivering layer is beautiful. Folk tales.
Underneath them all, is me.
I. I have been violated.
Washed away like broken shells.
Lost all across the ocean floor.
I am what makes the water glow and the waves churn profusely.
Neither is better than the other. When executed well, they’re both beautiful, exciting, and moving in their own ways. If you can get them both at the same time, that’s even better. But sex ain’t better than love and love ain’t better than sex, that’s for damn sure.
I want to be loved. And I realize that that stems from not being loved appropriately as a child. There’s this neediness in me that literally makes me sick, because I’m naturally a self sufficient person. I never need anyone or anything, but this insatiable yearn to be cared for is deep rooted. I want to find myself in it and I want it to be mutual. Beautiful. True. I want to wake up in the morning and know that there’s someone that is as for me as I am for them. I want to be able to share every particle of myself with someone who wants to build a galaxy with me. And as much as I want to, I can’t erase that feeling.
I want to be sexed. Tenderly. Passionately. Explosively. I want to be engulfed by the blackness of a room and it’s soft shards of creeping moonlight. I want to drown slowly between the softness of cotton sheets and the softness of my lovers worn epidermis as they drown in me. I want to be caressed like an infant. Hold me close and then hurt me. Abruptly spank me and choke me. I want to be blinded by fluorescent lights, slammed against the wall, and fucked into the nth dimension. Two types of sex, equally as intense.
All of you guys.
For the beautiful things you put in my inbox & fan mail. For the encouraging things you reply to my text posts with. Thank you.
I know it seems like I bitch & moan about a lot of things sometimes, but I come here to vent because I don’t really have anyone else to listen to my shit. Most of you, I haven’t even had a single conversation with let alone seen face to face. Yet you guys still manage to make me feel warm & fuzzy inside.
These past few weeks have shown me that I really do love school. (I know that’s a “said no one ever” statement, but still.)
Yeah, sure there’s a bunch of bullshit that we have to learn only to never revisit again like finding the geometric mean, iambic pentameter, or even when to use Newton’s law. But one should never hate learning.
There are things about school that I don’t like. I hate standardized testing. I don’t like how institutionalized teaching works in a lot of ways. I hate how Eurocentric American education is. But I like school because I learn things about myself through the lifestyle and my eyes are open to things that I should know through things that I’m supposed to know.
My dad always tells me, “College only teaches you what you’re supposed to know. Not what you should know.”
Which is why it’s not for everyone. But it’s for me because I want to know what I should as well as what I’m supposed to know. I think that along with knowing you actually don’t know shit is what true knowledge is.
I’ve been bothered lately by the fact that I’m 19 and I don’t know exactly what I want to be “when I grow up”. I know I’m young, but I want to have everything in order now, I hate not knowing stuff and I hate making mistakes. I’m impatient with my life in that way. But I’ve realized college isn’t for that “playing it safe” shit. People get degrees and make a living in careers in different fields. College is for fucking up and not knowing anything. College is also for growing and figuring out what you like, what you don’t like, and most importantly: who you are.
As it should be.
The only thing I hate more than losing is making mistakes. I could win the gold and still kick myself for messing up somewhere. That’s some thing I have to grow out of because the more I try to avoid them, the more mistakes I make.
I just want to be this perfect person.
For my grandmothers.
Because I haven’t been the greatest to them.
And I appreciate them more and more each day.
They should have a granddaughter like the one I know I could be.
For my mom.
To her, I am perfect.
Mainly because she wasn’t.
But her life has been so hard, nonstop, she needs a perfect daughter.
For my friends.
Because it’s hard finding people who you connect with.
Everyone feels alone even though nobody should.
They’re amazing and they put up with me; they deserve the best me.
She has everything I didn’t have growing up.
Including a big sister to teach her everything I wish someone taught me.
I want to keep it that way.
I need him more than I’ve ever needed anyone.
He’s my first love; everything I do is subconsciously for him.
And one day, he might need me just as much.
For everyone that has ever said they admire me.
Because I want to touch every soul one way or another.
And I can’t do that unless I reach my full potential.
I don’t want to let anyone down.
She’s who I used to be.
She’s who I wanted to become, permanently.
But I have to show her that I’m Akasha and I don’t need her anymore.
And most importantly, for myself.
Because I owe it to me.
I put everyone before myself way more often than I should.
I’m special. I deserve to be the best me, for me.
And I will be.