I always fuck myself up.

I love myself. Everything about myself. My body, my thoughts, who I am, what I do. I love everything about my awesome self. I am great.

But there are other parts of me that burn me up inside. I hate me.

I get so sad. I can’t stop it.

I was doing pretty good. I was starting to get excited about college and prom and graduation and the summer.. But ever since Malls left… its been upside down.

Idk if that’s normal. I’ve never really lost anyone before. I’m just lost. I lost myself. I’m a wreck.

I’m starting to question my own existance. I’ve never bothered to ponder age old questions and answers to them because I used to do that in grammar school and scare myself and lose sleep because of the headaches I used to give myself. I eventually came to the conclusion that nobody knows anything, and the smartest people are the people who are aware of the fact that they don’t know shit.

So I stopped wondering.

But this hit so close to home.. I can’t help but wonder where his energy went. I don’t believe in God or heaven or hell. Its all make-believe. A security blanket, so people feel safe and don’t have to scare themselves wondering like I used to. Because everyone is afraid of the unknown and unpredicatble.

Where did his energy go? Just like that. So immediately? Where?

Is he still in one piece? Is he still conscious as a soul? Can he hear or see us?

What the fuck is going on. I want an answer now. Because soon, I’ll be right there, experiencing the same thing. I won’t find out what happens until then. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to think to myself, “so this is what happens..”

It’s not really scary, I’m not afraid of dying and what comes after.

It’s just depressing. We live to die.

I cry. Everyday now. Whether its late at night when my house goes to bed, or when I’m home alone after school. I cry. I can’t help it.

Part of the reason is still because it’s surreal and unfair to him and everyone that loved him that Jamaal’s life was just taken by the universe like that.

Part of is all of the things I’ve been ignoring. There’s something seriously wrong with me. Some days, I’ll wake up and just hate everything and everyone and myself. I’ll wake up and feel fat, or ugly. I’ll wake up and feel like there’s no love in the world that’s suitable for me. Or sometimes, I’ll just wake up, and wish that I hadn’t.. And that my body was laying there as lifeless as a shell on the seashore.

I hate crying. It makes me want to kill myself. It makes me embarrassed. Even if there’s no one around, I feel like a soft little pussy ass bitch.

But it’s the only thing I’ve been able to do.

I have so much emotion in me. So much. Some of it gets channeled positively. Like right now. But it’s too much to channel at once. I want to be emotionless. I hate this. I know it’ll get better. Somehow. It has to. But I also know that something else will come and it’ll get worse again. Somehow. It has to. Because it always does…

I hope I grow up and become some great… Something. And I live to tell about my life. I feel like if I grow up to be another regular ol’ douche bag in the world, it won’t be worth it; living that is. I don’t write as much as I should. I’m always hurting. And it only gets worse.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I hope no one reads this…..

I love myself. Everything about myself. My body, my thoughts, who I am, what I do. I love everything about my awesome self. I am great.

But there are other parts of me…

I am great.

I am great…

Strangers that become friends become lovers then turn back into friends that turn into strangers.

The sandwich theory.

Except, there was no meat, no lettuce, and no cheese.

We were never lovers. Hardly even real “friends”.

I don’t know what to call any of this.

Don’t know how to feel. Don’t know what to think.

I know that you aren’t good at expressing your feelings. I’m even worse.

But I’ve come to the realization that I’m not compatible with someone that is just like me.

I can’t deal with this anymore. Chasing each other like coy fish of a ying and yang sign. I can’t do it.

It’s leading nowhere.. To me, it seems, at least.

As much as I wish I could, I can’t read your mind.

So this is me, cutting off the ties. Right now. Before this gets beautifully ugly.

You won’t know it. You won’t even see this. Ever..

Sometimes I feel like I’m too much for you. My eccentricity. You’re more black and white. Opposites do attract, but this is too extreme.

I wish a happily ever after was in our future. Maybe somewhere farther down the line, way farther than I can see. But right now is the wrong time.

Right person? Wrong time.

Goodbye.

I hope one day you wake up and realize that you should’ve appreciated me more.

Goodbye.

I hope one day you wake up and realize that you should’ve taken up more of my time.

Goodbye.

I hope one day you wake up and realize that I was the one that got away.

Goodbye…

Ardley Jamaal Fuqua: To the greatest fuck boy I’ve ever known.

The greatest fuck boy to ever walk this Earth.

The greatest fuck boy to ever call me a fuck boy.

You are a part of me.

Took me to my first comedy clubs. You played basketball with me even though I suck. Brought me my first banana flavored Snapple. You introduced me to sketchy ass moonshine and we made fake ass lean. You’re the reason my William Patterson audition went so well.

We were never best friends.

But you have always been one of my most favorite people.

You told me things would be okay when I felt like they would never be. You told me not to worry when I was worrying about non-factors. You told me I could make it where ever I wanted to go.

One of the few people who truly motivated me and sincerely believed in me. One of the few people who I could talk to about my bullshit and not feel like a burden. One of the very few people who I could ride around with and sing with to System of a Down, the Pharcyde, Odd Future, and old jazz standards all blaring, one song after another. 

Thinking about all of the moments we shared, I realized that there were more than I thought; and each and every one was nothing short of hilarious.

All of these things. All of these firsts and all of these memories.

You are a part of me.

I have a performance next Saturday. You said you’d come to hear me sing.

I hope you still do. Somehow.

Yesterday, when you stopped answering my texts, I thought nothing of it..

I’m still waiting for you to text back.

Part Un.

Someday, we will love.

Unexpectedly. Like waves startling a bed of seashells.

Unnoticed. Like zephyrs sweeping august streets.

Someday we will love.

Even those holding on by a thread, ready to let go and descend into the valleys of rock bottom and oceans of hope no more; someday, they too shall love.

It’s the only way that lives survive in this ugly place we call ‘The World’.

Even when it’s over, there will be love.

In the midst of tumult, agony, and doubt, there will always be love.

Eons and millenniums after these written words; after hate and ice have crippled the hands of time, there will be love.

In the darkness. Between the atoms that build your silent lips, there will always be love.

Intertwined with the seeds and embedded in the cores of the fruits of your loins, there will be love.

Pumping through your right atrium, into your left, out of your aorta, and throughout your soul, there will always be love.

Yes, there are broken homes and broken hearts. Broken tribes and broken societies fixated on breaking the circuit breakers that secure your train of thought. Everyday. Day by day.

Not today, but someday, we will love.

And love will love us back.

If we let it.

Maybe it’s me…

I’m never satisfied.

I have so many good things going for myself.

I just feel like nothing is good enough. I need to do better.

Everything is fucked up. I hate the world and the people that run it.

Simple things have become obsolete.

Everyone likes to complicate things.

It’s illogical. Everyone’s a hypocrite.

But somehow, everyone paints a picture of ration. Like everything that’s being done infront of our faces is the truth. The good, wholesome, practical truth.

Nobody looks behind the curtain. Nobody wants to.

And the stupid, which unfortunately happens to be the majority, believes it all. They eat it up. Gross and obese. Stuffed with lies.

Everything is a lie. Reality isn’t even real.

I hate being in this dimension.

I hate being in this time period.

I hate that I hate.

I hate that I’m being forced to make the best of what’s here.

I hate that it’s all so fucking hard when it shouldn’t be.

Maybe I’m just an ingrate.

I should be happy that I’ve been given the greatest “gift” that could ever be given, right?

Life.

Even though its fucked up in all aspects.

Even though I don’t believe that there is a such thing as “Life”.

Fuck.

Nobody probably understands what I’ve even been talking about.

I don’t even care.

I just don’t understand.

I have so much to be happy about.

Maybe when high school is over, I’ll stop feeling like this.

Innate. Melancholy. Cynicism.

I’ve been like this for a couple years. It wasn’t always like this, but it feels like it.

I miss the old me.

I never thought that I’d say that.

I don’t know what to do.

I haven’t lost control though.

Fuck.

Shit.

Fuck.

Sigh.

Bye.

Wanna hear my logic?

I don’t put people in the friend zone.

I put myself in the friend zone because I know that I’m going to leave in three months to start my life and meet new people that I may possibly fall in love with. You’re going to do the same. & We aren’t going to the same place.

This doesn’t mean we won’t keep in touch.

But why start anything beautiful with you if it’s going to have to die soon?

I don’t believe in long distance relationships.

I don’t want any pain between us.

The concept of you and I seems too complex.

So I’m putting myself in the friend zone.

I’ll tell you about all these girls I wanna fuck because that’s all I want to do, I only want that hour with them. That’s all, nothing more.

I don’t care about what’s in their mind because I care about what’s in yours.

I don’t care about how much their personality sucks, because yours doesn’t.

Damn.. I sound like a nigga.

You probably don’t even realize that I’m talking to you…

Happiness.

It must really be too much to ask. All I want is to live, and sing. But it’s like no matter where I turn to, I run head first into a wall of discouragement. It’s always fucking something man. It’s a never ending cycle of shit, all the time. I’ve done all I can do.

I usually hate creating text posts on my phone but…

I wish I had a best friend, I mean, I do, but I wish I had one specifically for venting to without having to worry about boring them or being a nuisance. I’m too young to feel like this. Something has got to give. I’m up, then I’m down. I always get back up again, but the more I get up, the more I fall back to the bottom; and it isn’t like me to just lie there, I’ve GOT to get up. Idk. I know I’m not alone, but why does it feel like it? I’ve been giving a lot of advice lately, a lot of people have chosen me to confide in. I guess I’m some sort of role model or some shit. I appreciate it, but I am no superwoman. Nobody knows man.. Nobody will ever know. They might have a slight idea, but no one will ever know how much I hurt and how much I hate. Equally, I have a heart big enough to love this whole entire planet, I’d do it if I could.. But I keep my heart in my chest. Not on my sleeve. It’s been spit on too many times. I think I’m pretty rational. I think my mind is pretty mature when it comes to how I perceive situations and make decisions. I’m pretty in control right now. I know I am. It just feels like everything is constantly spiraling out of control or on the verge of. Idk. Idk what I’m even talking about anymore. I love me. I hate me. I don’t know which I feel more anymore. I’m a rare breed. That’s not always a good thing for me to be though. Not here anyways. I just wanna graduate and experience life. Maybe I always wanna cry because I feel trapped. This school, this home, this city. I hate it all. I need to escape this cage. Haha. The irony of me being able to know why the caged bird sings. I’m not overwhelmed. I might be getting there, but I’m not yet. I’m not afraid. I’m not really stressed anymore. I’m just tired. I want to love something. I’m sick of trying to love someone. I want to get away from here. The passion for life that has been burning inside of me from day one is going to eat me alive, I’m restricted. In every way imaginable. I don’t understand a lot of things. I know it looks like I have all the answers, I have a lot of them, but I don’t have anywhere nearrrrr ALL the answers. I wish I did. I wish I didn’t have any answers. Idk which one would be better.. Another answer I don’t know. Sigh. It hurts. I’m just ready for my life to start. I’m sick of sitting here. Fighting depression. I think I might be bipolar. Seriously. I’m sick. I don’t even know wtf I’ve been ranting about. I’m sick. Fuck. Goodbye.

TODAY WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME .

Firstly , I wanna thank everyone who really made this birthday amazing & memorable . Who might that be , you may ask ? It’s everyone who took the second or two out of their day to murmur the words “Happy Birthday” to me.

This turned out to be one of the most incredible days that I’ve ever had and I didn’t even do anything. My day started with the best call of my life. It was from my dad & it was sentimental & heartfelt & it made me wanna cry; It was exactly what I needed. I got to formation on time this morning, bravo company sang to me. As I walked through the hallways, I got greeted with two little words that made my smile grow brighter each time. I got cakes from Delsana, Madison, & Gabby; which completely made my day. And Ms. Felton actually sang to me in the library and gave me a huge ol’ Ms. Felton hug. I was prepared for all of the tedious tests I had to take today. Even the way volleyball practice ran was pretty decent. Today was just generally a great day.

The fact that my birthday was also today was just the icing on the cake(s). xD

I just got back from dinner with my mom & her fiancee WHICH WAS ALSO AWESOME. I got a couple presents, the itis, tons of lottery tickets, and the waitresses gave me this kick-ass roman candle like thing that looks like a lotus flower. When they lit it with a match, it opened up, exploded, spun around & played a tune .

Today was just soooooooo good. I was happy. All day. I realized how many people cared. Everything was great. No complaints. No nothing. It’s not everyday that you turn 18; but I really do wish it was, and that I could relive this.

I love everyone who was a part of my day. You truly made me feel special.

*P.S.: This is only the beginning. My birthday isn’t over until next weekend.

*P.S.S.: Melissa Mae Brown , WE OUT ! ♥ :D

Sometimes , I feel like a part of a movie .

I’m not the end credits that nobody cares about .

And I’m not the end credits that people only care to stay for if they have cheesy bloopers or an extra scene .

I’m more like the coming attraction .

Not as important as the feature film ; But still really good to watch .

Except .. Nobody remembers the coming attractions after the movie’s over …

Honestly, all I want from life is to be amazing, noticed, and unforgettable.

It’s getting harder & harder to stand out nowadays.

I feel really plain. I wish I wasn’t.

I’m not gunna go out & ‘try harder’. That’s not my lifestyle.

But I am gunna brainstorm. I’m not like everyone else. I am extraordinary. The world should experience me, and I should experience the world. I know everyone feels special, but I AM special. I just need to figure out a way to show it.

I don’t care if this post makes sense. I don’t care if I sound slightly self-absorbed.

I will not elaborate on this. I don’t see the purpose in doing so.

Tea & sushi. Tea & sushi.

I feel too young to be so old . But I feel too mature to feel this young .

I hope that makes sense .

I often find that I don’t care to know the people that I know , and the people that I want to know are unreachable .

I don’t feel as awesome as everyone tells me I am …

Sigh .. Goodnight . I don’t have the mental capacity to type all that I’m thinking right now .. :/ 

I’m getting too old for this.

My mom’s been drinking. Now she’s acting a fool. And they’re downstairs arguing.

I’m depressed. And alone. And this house is not helping.

I thought about cutting today for the first time in a while.

But I didn’t do it.

I also started reading the Art of Happiness by the Dali Lama today…

They’re downstairs yelling now.

I don’t have any energy to start crying.

So for now, I’ll just listen to the Pharcyde. And daydream about what I wish life was like.

This is an ugly world.