Every time I speak to my mother I start to see new cracks. I’ve been spending all my life trying to figure out how to plaster them or what to plaster them with. Life is a gift. I enjoy beautiful things. Poetry. Colors. Art. Naked bodies. Good literature. Good music. Good conversation. Jazz and hip hop flow through my left & right ventricles. These are the things I fill myself with. I’ll fill myself with so much of them that there will be no emptiness. No broken. I’m open and I’ve grown to accept the things I’ve endured. The month of May will be for recovery. I love myself, but not enough yet. I don’t love where I’ve been, and I have to do that before I deal with anything. I don’t want to be with anyone until I’m whole. The month of May will be for becoming whole. I have so many great things on my plate despite the fact that there always seems to be chaos falling down all around me. The universe balances itself. Everything is about balance. This summer will bare a new me.

We’re only three acts in and I’m in love. I want to kick myself for staying away from word play so long. This is in my heart. I’m in love. Speak my soul.

“Wish I could shape the afro up on Aphrodite & tell her that she’s sho’nuff. Gotta old love she should get a hold of.. Before its too late.”

Everyone leaves me.
Or dies, like they did today.
Reality isn’t real.

But not this.
My uncle is dead.
My cousin is still missing.
I can’t cry.
My mom is dead.
I’m going to lay down before I pass out.

I became acquainted with someone new last night.

He inspired me to make the decision to be a polymath.

It’s a lifelong decision, but I’m already closer than I thought.

It’ll mean shifting my focus and becoming well versed in a shit ton of things.

I’ve been wanting to read a lot more literature, make more music, network, and learn new things lately.

That’s what the lifestyle is all about.

The term “renaissance (wo)man” is played out.

But I definitely have the potential.

Social networking as heavily as I have been will hinder the process, so you’ll be seeing a lot less of me in that way.

But I’ll be sure to keep up my blogs here and on aspirerinspirer.wordpress.com.

Watch me work. It begins. >:)

I always wanna type and write and talk to people about my feelings and what’s going on in hopes that they understand me and at least see where I coming from.
Nobody ever really does. Even if they think they do. Most of the time I’m being completely rational. And all of the time, people just nod and say okay, they understand to shut me up because I use too many words.
Nobody wants to get it.
Nobody wants to get me.
I’m figuring out that I’ve been too giving of myself; to everyone.
Nobody has to understand.
Most people don’t deserve to.
I’m an experience.
A mildly turbulent one, but a great experience nonetheless.

“I’m going to start living selfishly until I’m foolish enough to give that up.”

It’s hard because I don’t really know how to be selfish. I always want so much for people. But that won’t deter me, I know where to start. 😏

The only thing I hate more than losing is making mistakes. I could win the gold and still kick myself for messing up somewhere. That’s some thing I have to grow out of because the more I try to avoid them, the more mistakes I make.

I just want to be this perfect person.

For my grandmothers.
Because I haven’t been the greatest to them.
And I appreciate them more and more each day.
They should have a granddaughter like the one I know I could be.

For my mom.
To her, I am perfect.
Mainly because she wasn’t.
But her life has been so hard, nonstop, she needs a perfect daughter.

For my friends.
Because it’s hard finding people who you connect with.
Everyone feels alone even though nobody should.
They’re amazing and they put up with me; they deserve the best me.

For Karyn.
She has everything I didn’t have growing up.
Including a big sister to teach her everything I wish someone taught me.
I want to keep it that way.

For AJ.
I need him more than I’ve ever needed anyone.
He’s my first love; everything I do is subconsciously for him.
And one day, he might need me just as much.

For everyone that has ever said they admire me.
Because I want to touch every soul one way or another.
And I can’t do that unless I reach my full potential.
I don’t want to let anyone down.

For Lola.
She’s who I used to be.
She’s who I wanted to become, permanently.
But I have to show her that I’m Akasha and I don’t need her anymore.

And most importantly, for myself.
Because I owe it to me.
I put everyone before myself way more often than I should.
I’m special. I deserve to be the best me, for me.

And I will be.

Ironically, ‘Perdido’ has become my favorite jazz standard.

The more I grow, the more I learn about myself. The more I learn about myself, the more I realize how much more I need to grow.

Good things have shown themselves to me. But they’ve also shown that I’m impatient and stubborn. As slow as I wish things would go and as slow as they should, I try to rush through them and that ruins everything.

I’m so odd. I want people to understand me, but sometimes I barely understand myself.

I know what I want, I’m just torn. I’m at peace, yet stuck in between. I want to be given everything that comes with adulthood, I’m ready to conquer it all.. but a part of me is fighting mild Peter Pan syndrome. Pieces of me are stuck at bad places in younger days. But part of me keeps trying to live a little faster and fuck it out of my memory.

It’s ironic because I’m the first person to tell my generation to slow down and smell the roses. I was the late bloomer. I was the last one to be “grown”. I kept my innocence and tried my hardest to do everything “right”. And now I’m sick of waiting, I’m tired of being the last one. I want to experience everything at once.

It just doesn’t work that way.

• Just because everyone’s moving faster doesn’t mean I’m not moving fast at all. I’ve gotta slow down.
• Just because I’ve gained some patience in these last ten years doesn’t mean I’m not impatient anymore. I’ve gotta slow down.
• Just because I’m ready doesn’t mean I’m full grown. I’ve gotta slow down.

Things are good right now. Opportunities have risen and are continuing to rise. I’m starting to make power moves and I’m gunna keep that up.

I’m just a little lost in my head, but I’ll find my way.

I always do.

• Woke up with no alarm.
• Woke up two hours before work.
• Breakfast.
• Early to work.
• Class cancelled.
• Web project finished.
• SAS Scholarship App.
• Sent my resume and cover letter to Sony.
• Lunch with Steph & Bree.
• Hit a high E natural in my voice lesson…with ease.
• Got news about the Opera.
• Got talked into auditioning for it.
• Gym.
• Aced two quizzes.
• Bubble tea.
• Early to work again.
• Wrote the best essay ever in 20 minutes flat.

Now I shall go home, light my spliff, and enjoy an early night with Frenchie. <3

I’m happy. Genuinely. For the first time in a few weeks.

Things are looking up. Impeccably. & I’m going to keep this up.

I must. (:

I wish somebody saw my scars and thought of me as beautiful.

That’s such a beautiful way to see someone.

That’s such a beautiful way to make someone feel.

Of course, I know how beautiful I am (and I don’t mean aesthetically).

I guess that’s all that really matters.

It’d just be nice to be seen through. Past all the shit I’ve made happen externally and into all the things that really matter.

Because everyone gets old and grey and ugly.

But the soul is eternal.

Out of the blue.

It’s a sign.
This is my year.
This is my summer.
I’m serious about this “life” thing.
I refuse to settle and be a nobody.
I’m going to take every thing I can from it.

Either build with me, or fall off.
Either way, I’m making maneuvers to the top, dude.

I’ve been running a lot.
I’m starting to see the irony in it.

The gym. The track. No music. I even started leaving my phone in my room. I only break when I’m outside, so I can lay flat on my back in the grass & stare up at the trillions of light years in front of me.

I hate running. At least, I used to.
It’s entrancing though. Pacing. Sprinting. Harder. Faster. All I can focus on is my breath & the rhythm of my footsteps. I tend to forget where I am sometimes. It becomes me running away from my thoughts which becomes me running away from my problems. Even when my body gets tired & starts to hurt, I push myself. I feel like I deserve it for all the mistakes I’ve made. I feel like enduring the pain is the only way to feel a bit better about things.
And I do.

A rather healthy display of escapism if I must say so myself.

without them changing up on a nigga or acting like a dickhead about it.

- woke up faded.
- drunk before noon.
- went to class.
- sang like an angel in choir.
- jamaican food.
- saw a horse.
- giant swag surf.
- girl twerked in her wheelchair.
- found a bag of bud.
- got kisses.
- brought a space brownie.
- good weather.
- cookout.
- a fight broke out.
- homework.
- cinnamon pretzel.
- girl fell off roof and died.
- eternally high until 3am.
- spring fling festivities.
- swagswag.

Everyone in this age bracket is fucked up. And I’m right in the middle of it all.

Everyone’s lost.
Everyone’s trying to build.
Everyone’s hurt.
Everyone’s thoughts are spilled, scattered, and chased with vodka.
Everyone runs to Vice City for temporary relief. But they’re destroying themselves because its masking yet increasing their grief.
Everyone’s empty.
Everyone lies.
Fewer and fewer of us are striving to keep hope alive.

Genocide, homocide, and suicide have become the three new Moirai.

There’s more “I think” than “I know” in the world. There’s more “I want” than “I need”. More “living”. Less “alive”.

& The worst part is…
Nobody knows what they want.
Even when they think they do…
They don’t.